“Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable” – Voltaire

It is with great joy and satisfaction that I declare to you all, I am not an optimist. No, I’m not so much an optimist as a complete cynic. This realization came about the other night while at a party. Standing in the same circle with the same people I always stand beside, eying those I do not know and pointing out how one of the smaller male guests looks like “an ugly Sean” I stopped myself. Feeling a little guilty I quickly apologized to the circle, saying that I haven’t been myself and to excuse my cynicism as of late. After some weird looks and crooked, stupid smiles, someone blurted out “As of late? Try for the past 5 years!”
It was at this moment that after years of forcing myself to believe the opposite, I finally accepted my depressive world view.

As a kid my fear of the world kept me up all night. If I wasn’t hiding under the covers convinced an alien ship would take me away, it was stories of natural disasters, death or mummies that would do it. Life was nothing but endless days of worrying about the next disaster. Replace my childhood fear of tsunamis with heartbreak, mummy uprisings with loneliness and alien abductions with general mistrust and things haven’t changed much.
As I got older and started worrying about the Universe, “god”, poverty, human suffering, government conspiracies and religion I turned to Buddhism. Alas the meditation, calm and love for all mankind boiled down to one hopeful saying:
“Life is suffering”
As the days have gone by and I’ve become completely irreligious, that will always stay with me.

It isn’t all bad. I like to think myself to be of a Woody Allen archetype. Sure I’m sarcastic, witty and ‘Eeyore-eske’(in attitude not body type) but if it does anything, it provides you with endless humor and a way to feel better about your own life. Right?
All in all, life has treated me very well. I’ve been given the opportunity to travel, I have great friends, I am in school and am able to afford to do many things, yet this world feels like it’s always ready and willing to beat me down. The pessimist isn’t ungrateful with what he has, he is just aware that at any moment it could be taken away. And if not now, then much later on.

So for now I say march on and march carefully. The world might be out to get me, people may be cruel, life may be nothing but suffering with nirvana a goal that is always out of reach but…at least the mummies have yet to rise.

I’ve been on a small internet detox as of late, which should explain the lack of posts. I’m also trying to come up with some ideas for short stories. In some kind of neat news, a picture from a recent photo shoot made it into a Montreal paper:

That is always nice. I am impatiently waiting for my studio lights to arrive. I have an idea for a series which I will entitle; Crying. I am excited because I will shoot it all with my medium format. That is all for now.

-Do you know why she left you?
I guess he had more redeeming qualities.
-That makes sense.
What are you trying to say?
-Well…let’s face it, your not exactly a catch. Do you even know how to have fun?
I am plenty fun!
-Please, drop some knowledge on me.
Well…I like to cook and watch movies and listen to records…
-Is this a typical date? Are you 45 years old? You’re like Bob Saget on Full House if he had a lobotomy. No wonder she ran away.
-Did you ever take her out?
For coffee? Sure, all the time.
-That isn’t going out.
I don’t understand
-You’re a real Casanova.

I was struck today while walking to the grocery store by something from my childhood long forgotten. My imagination was something far beyond grand and like most children, took the events around me and molded them to fit my limited world-view.

As a child I was convinced that the President’s Choice brand of food was Bill Clinton’s personal brand. I would picture him in the Oval Office giving his stamp of approval on the latest imports of California Apples or the latest Frozen Dinner.

That is all.

The following choice quotes were overheard today in my Religions of the West class. I present to you: ‘Star of David’ necklace wearing, pimply, nasally Jewish kid sitting in front of me, talking to a hot girl he met once at a party the week before:

“So my mother drove me to the train station this morning, heh, I’m from the West Island. No, I’M from the West Island”
“You know, I left that party without getting any girls number, so I guess it’s a good thing I recognized you, right?”
“I mean, that was a great party. hmm, hmm”(Repeated at least 7x during those awkward lulls in the conversation)

Quotes from my mom at the restaurant tonight:
Me: “I’m definitely going to get an A+ in my Religions class”
Mom: “JEREMY! You shouldn’t get your hopes so high”

This is all to say, I started University today! I feel really good about it and look forward to the A+ I am sure to get in both my classes.

Sure, who I am as a person is a collection of past experiences culminating to create this world view of mine. But let’s look at my past; it’s a mish-mash of lost love, unrequited love, books read, idea’s found and lost, bad writing, convictions held and people forgotten. Are these experiences some sort of means to an end? Am I doomed to repeat a history I want nothing to do with?

You don’t need to know how I got here, you just need to know who is standing in front of you at the present moment.